The Mothership Madame Caprice, aka:
Big Momma
1989 Chevrolet Caprice 9C1 Police Package
She's Ugly. She Know's It. She's Angry About It.
SPID Label Last updated 2007/02/16
Big Momma Gets Some Love For... Being Ugly?
February 12, 2007
I'm a frequent reader of Autoblog. Every week, they post "Reader's Rides" and often have a theme. Last week, the theme was "beaters". I think a "beater" is a car that is "cosmetically challenged", but otherwise a fully-functional and reliable utility vehicle that one is not afraid to get dirty inside or out, hit things with, park in bad neighborhoods, or drive like you stole it. While I love Big Momma, a beater is exactly what she is. I've hit things with her, I've parked her in bad neighborhoods, she's very dirty, and I always drive her like I stole her. The utility of a beater is unmistakable to those who have one.
Big Momma beat four other contenders for the title of "Beater of the Week", including a tough fight with a flippin' Honda Prelude (which I don't really think is a beater since it wasn't a used as a utility vehicle). To qualify, She had to have her beauty shots and back story submitted in the Autoblog Flickr group, and she had to be chosen as a Beater of the Day. Many thanks to members of the DCRX7, SA22C, and 77-90 B-Body groups for their support!
What have I done? New heart and lungs.
December 17, 2006
Somewhere there's a Blazer that donated it's organs to revive Big Momma. After watching Craiglist for several months, and a few false starts, a donor was found. A four hour round-trip and $300 later, I have a four-bolt 350 of uncertain history waiting for a transplant. The seller replaced it with a known engine from a suburban. The guy he bought the blazer from said the engine had been rebuilt a few years ago. There are signs it was rebuilt, like fresh paint on the top. We'll see when I tear it down to prepare it for the transplant.
Don't worry, Madam Caprice, you won't be out to pasture for much longer...
Knock, Knock. Uh-Oh.
March 8, 2006: 176,641 miles
I just spend a wad of cash getting the intake and exhaust manifolds replaced by a pro, since I'm scared of broken bolts and I can't have it be down right now. Now I can hear the engine without the PFFT!, PFFT!, PFFT! of a manifold leak. What do I hear? I hear Mr. Rod knocking because he wants to come out and play. It goes away in the recording, but comes back after a couple minutes of idling. It's bad. Terminal, I think.
So what to do? Well, I ran across a guy selling 383 strokers that use the stock TBI and will pass smog. Just got to go find it web site, quick!
Big Momma Gets New Shoes
June 9, 2005: 167,485 miles
The previous joke...er...owner put 15x8 American Racing 767 wheels on it, which are cool, and shod them with 225/60-15 BFG Eagers. That's almost 2 inches shorter than stock 225/70-15's. They still filled the wheel wells courtesy of the ultra-short Hotchkis springs (see above), but the speedo is wrong and they were sketchy in the rain. The latter could be because I drove the crap out of those tires and burned 'em well passed the wear indicators. Oops.
The replacements are 225/70-15 Yokohama Avid S/T's, which look like balloons and have a ridiculous pattern on the sidewalls. But they were cheap and highly-rated, so what the hell. They sure as hell fill out the wheel wells!
They only raise the car an inch, but it feels like I'm driving a truck. They also have a pronounced effect on acceleration, and they grip a whole lot better than the Eagers ever did and don't make much noise at the limits. There is some rubbing over bumps on the driver's front fender liner, but nowhere else. Judicious application of violence with a hammer should resolve that problem. We'll see.
UPDATE: 6/21 - I went after the steel fender liner with a BFH. I barely moved it, but it was apparently enough. Went from a six-inch long rub stripe to nothing. Pulled all the way to VIR and back again last weekend without any trouble, though the max pressure is only 35(!) pounds. Old tires maxed at 44 PSI.
Big Momma Earns A Living
March 26, 2005, Virginia International Raceway.
While helping to run a MazdaDrivers track event, The Mothership Madame Caprice earned her living by pulling 5000 lbs of trailer and race car, and a few hundred pounds of gear in the trunk. She does this half a dozen times a year.
What she uses:
Big Momma Goes Racing
October 17, 2004, Rosecroft Raceway, Rosecroft, Maryland.
While helping to run a Mazda Sportscar Club of Washington autocross, she couldn't hold herself back. During our lunch changeover, I decided to get a few runs. She cleared 62 seconds with two passengers and running the wrong way around the optional skid pad (due to a broken baffle in the fuel tank). That time is better than about 1/3 of the cars that ran. Not bad for a brick.
Big Momma Gets Molested
The third night I parked her on the street, some schmuck broke out my quarter window. I responded appropriately until I could replace it. Mind you, I was parked between a Porsche and a C5 Corvette, dammit! They didn't even open the door.
Big Momma Gets Staples In Her Head
How to fix a headliner. Use an ordinary office stapler and put them in a quilted pattern. That's Klass with a capital K. They won't damage the headliner backing, should you want to fix it properly later, and they do an excellent job of keeping the headliner out of your hair. Looks much better than a hanging headliner or naked backing, IMHO. My '82 Olds went eight years like this.
Edit me
Big Momma Gets Staples In Her Head